I had a very intense month and the last couple of weeks have been pretty insane so much that I'm still trying to keep up with job.. I found myself prioritising my students for their success but this has taken so much of my energies and time. It's quite hard and a fine balance between giving and holding. The more we give the less we r left with. And this is in terms of time and energy. I have been stealing hours here and there for my own practice for my meditative relaxation for looking at the trees blossoming in the season. I had a lot of poems I wanted to write but that got crushed by the rush of time and a life that is like a constant flood. I don't think this is the life I wanted and even imagined. There is so much beauty and satisfaction in my life but little to indulge in the taste of it. Like drinking a good wine in a rush.. just getting drunk not feeling the taste of the grapes and the soul hidden into it.
I now pause. I can hear the birds and the melodious silence. I'll be rehearsing with the odissi ensemble in the evening and want to bring light and the fresh sensation of spring water in the studio. I'm so lucky and blessed so much that I sometimes doubt I deserve it. I'm also suffering for what I perceive as lack of freedom. I feel like a bird in a cage. I fly only within the limits of my prison when what I need is the sky. It's ok. I tell myself. It's a phase of life. Perhaps one day soon all the effort you are making will consolidate in a bigger clear plan. No crumbles of satisfaction here and there but a sense of accomplishment. That all was good and for a reason. The sky will keep existing whether I fly in it or not.